Am I Using the Right Pronouns?

Australia has seen a meaningful shift toward greater gender and sexual diversity in recent years, with more people feeling able to express their identities openly. From a mental health standpoint, this is a significant and encouraging development. For young people especially, it creates space to explore ways of identifying that feel most authentic to who they are. For many of them, that conversation begins with pronouns.

What pronouns are and why they matter

Pronouns are simply linguistic placeholders for nouns already mentioned. In everyday conversation, they refer to the person being discussed: she, he, they, and so on. Gender pronouns hold particular significance in discussions about identity and belong at the centre of conversations about inclusion. It is a social privilege to move through the world without ever having to think about which pronoun someone will use for you. For many gender diverse people, that assumption cannot be made, and the experience of being misgendered can carry real weight.

Why appearance does not determine pronouns

In English, gendered pronouns have traditionally been binary: he/him/his and she/her/hers. But gender identity is more complex than appearance suggests. People who are transgender, non-binary, intersex, or queer may not identify with the gender others assume based on how they look. The gender we assign to someone based on their appearance is shaped by what we have learnt to associate with two categories, men and women, and that framework does not capture the full range of how people experience and express themselves. Non-binary individuals, for instance, often use they/them or adopt pronouns borrowed from other languages with gender-neutral options.

The mental health impact of getting pronouns wrong

Asking for and correctly using someone's pronouns is a straightforward act of respect that affirms their identity. Using incorrect pronouns, even without bad intent, can leave a person feeling dismissed, invalidated, or alienated. For those already navigating gender dysphoria or other identity-related challenges, being misgendered can meaningfully worsen their mental health. It is worth understanding this in the context of the broader history of discrimination faced by LGBTQIA+ people, where social and political exclusion has compounded psychological harm over generations. Supporting correct pronoun use is one concrete way to contribute to a safer environment for everyone.

How to know which pronouns to use

The simplest answer is: ask. You may have noticed that many group introductions now include a moment to share your name and pronouns. This practice normalises the act of sharing, making it feel less like an interrogation and more like a basic courtesy. If your own pronouns align with how others typically perceive you, sharing them anyway helps to create that normalised environment for those whose identity is less visible. If you are unsure, using someone's name rather than a pronoun until you know is always a respectful default.

What to do when you make a mistake

Mistakes happen, particularly when someone's pronouns are new to you. The best response is simple: correct yourself in the moment and move on. A brief acknowledgment, something like "sorry, I meant they," is enough. There is no need for extended apologies, which can shift the focus uncomfortably onto your own discomfort rather than the other person's experience. If you notice someone's pronouns being ignored or overridden by others in a group setting, offering a quiet correction or validation can make a genuine difference. Supporting inclusion is not limited to those who belong to marginalised groups; it is something anyone can contribute to. Our post on the difference between being nice and being good explores this idea further.

The role of mental health support

Many LGBTQIA+ individuals seek psychological support to navigate the particular challenges that come with identity, belonging, and the ongoing social and political barriers they face. Therapy provides a space to process these experiences without judgment. A psychologist who understands gender and sexual diversity can offer meaningful support, and this is something our team at Contemporary Psychology takes seriously. You can read more about finding the right psychologist for you if you are considering starting that journey.

Final thoughts

Getting pronouns right is not complicated, though it does require awareness and a willingness to learn. It is one of the quieter ways we can affirm the dignity of the people around us. If you or someone you care about is navigating questions of gender, identity, or wellbeing, our team at Contemporary Psychology in St Kilda is here to help.